Rant Time: Inconsiderate Malaysian Drivers

Me: Connor, how does Mummy drive?
Connor: *pretends to turn steering wheel* Brrmm-brrmmm.... PON!!!!!!!!!!! PONNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!! Ponponpon!!!!!!


Okay, maybe I'm setting a bad example to my 2yo on driving courteously. But I can't help it because we encounter so many idiots on the road. Malaysian drivers are a thoughtless inconsiderate bunch of nincompoops on the road. We always pride ourselves on being warm, friendly and generous. Riiiiiiiiiight. Ever encountered one of our own kind on the road? We're about as warm and friendly as a hungry grizzly bear hunting for food.

Today, I was patiently queueing up at the slip road on Jln Duta that takes you to the roundabout. It's usually a clear road at around 9am++ which is when I'm done with the school run but for some reason, traffic was heavy today. Heavy but moving.

Up pop the drivers who refuse to queue and speed all the way to the end and then squeeze their way in at the head of the queue. I can't imagine why most people let them in. Don't. If they can't squeeze in, the butt of their car will be sticking out on a highway and with some luck, a trailer's going to speed by and crush them out of the gene pool. Bye-bye, inconsiderate rude driver genes.

When I finally came to the head of the queue, some idiot driver in an MPV who'd refused to queue decided he would cut right in front of me. Guess he thought a harmless-looking poppet who probably doesn't know the offside rule in football would meekly let him in.

WRONG.

PONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @#$% OFF!!!!!!!! YOU @#$%-ING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He had the shock of his life. He definitely looked surprised that I wouldn't let him in and that I would actually turn around, look at him in the face and tell him off.

Why can't people drive with more courtesy on our roads. And we wonder why we kill so many of our own on our lovely, pothole-ridden, toll booth-laden highways.


P/S Yes, I know the offside rule very well indeed and I didn't need the shoe shopping example as an explanation.

RM50 and the traffic cop

As every Malaysian knows, RM50 can go a long way on the highways. Most of us have a tale or two about getting off scot-free with the help of this lovely piece of paper.

The following is perhaps the funniest tale I've heard so far and it happened to my friend, M.

M and I live in the same compound here in Jakarta. She's Malaysian like me and the other night, I was over at her house for dinner. We spent hours after dinner just yakking about random stuff and eventually ended up trading stories about the usefulness of a RM50.

She was 17 then and a rookie driver who failed to keep an eye on her speedometer. A cop promptly pulled her over and told her sternly that she was waayyyy above her speed limit. At 17, she was still pretty blur about the code words that cops and errant drivers use on Malaysian roads. She was told that she would have to pay a hefty fine at a police station located far, far away. That should have been Clue Number One that the code phrase game was on but she didn't get it.

At 17, you really don't want to go home to Mum and tell her that you were pulled over for speeding AND ask for money for the fine AND ask to be driven far, far away to pay the fine. So she asked, "How ah? Can I pay the fine here on the spot? That police station you mentioned is very far from my house." Unknown to her, she had uttered the code phrases that the cop was waiting for. The cop kept up his stern visage, "Yes, you can pay here." What relief! Now she can perhaps keep it a secret from mum!

"How much is the fine if I pay it here on the spot?" The cop told her, "Fifty ringgit." Happily, she reached into her purse, extracted one of them and held it up to him. Horrified, the cop hissed, "Jangan tinggi sangat!!! Letak bawah ini!" (Not so high! Put it below this!) and handed her his clipboard. M thought it was some official protocol she had to follow and duly folded up the bill and stuck it under some papers on the clipboard he'd shoved into the car.

As the cop walked off, she called out after him, "Excuse me, tuan.... takde resit?" (Excuse me, sir... no receipt?)

It took her a few years to realise why there was no receipt and why the cop gave her a killer glare and told her to please drive off and never come back again.

Jakarta Traffic Quiz

Let's play... Driving in Jakarta!!!


1. Before making a turn, you should...
a. Show your signal, check your mirrors for oncoming traffic and turn only when the road is clear
b. Slowly inch the nose of your car across oncoming traffic and edge across, honking crossly back at them if they so much as dare glare at you

2. When overtaking, you should...
a. Check that there is no oncoming traffic and that you have sufficient time and space to fully overtake the vehicle ahead of you
b. Just overtake! You can always trust your fellow driver in the opposite lane to scoot over and make space for you

3. Designated bus lanes are....
a. For buses only
b. Woohoo!!! Empty lane! Whizzzzzzzz!!!

4. If you wish to make a U-turn...
a. Use the designated U-turn lane and make the turn when there is no oncoming traffic
b. Just U-turn anywhere you like and pop Rp500 to the local lad who helps by walking out into oncoming traffic and holding up his hand in a commanding STOP gesture... thankee very much!

5. Traffic lights...
a. help regulate the flow of traffic and should be obeyed
b. make very pretty road decorations

6. A bajaj is...
a. modified three-wheeled public transportation
b. road scum and should be exterminated


If you answered:
Mostly A's: Can you see the white light? Go towards the white light. You aren't fit to survive on Jakarta roads.
Mostly B's: Congratulations!!! You will survive to fight another day!

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri!

It's that time of the year again when Indonesians make their way back to their hometowns to celebrate Lebaran (Hari Raya to us Malaysians) with their loved ones. The printed edition of Jakarta Post claimed a few days ago that this mass exodus called mudik is unique to Indonesia. I beg to differ. We do exactly the same in Malaysia, ours is called balik kampung lit returning home to our village.

But mudik is conducted on a much, much larger scale. Photos of the mad rush have been shown on the front page of the Jakarta Post in the past week and I marvel at the tenacity of those involved. A few days ago, the Post printed a photo of a new carriage class on the local trains. It's seat-less and you simply scramble on and plonk your bum on the floor and rattle the entire journey home. The carriage was jam-packed with people either sitting or stretched out, sleeping on the train floor.

Other pictures show locals waiting to board ferries home to other islands. (Note: I couldn't find the picture I wanted off the Jakarta Post website but this blog has a picture that is almost similar) There is no queue, just a mass of human bodies, many of them shouldering huge cardboard boxes bearing goodies for their loved one back home. Similar scenes were seen at bus terminals and I read that people had to board buses early and waited inside them for hours before the buses even departed the terminal just to secure a seat. Mind you, bus rides aren't short here and some of the buses don't even look like they have air-conditioning. My maid told me her village is an 18-hour bus ride away.

Scenes like these make the mad rush at Puduraya back home tame in comparison. Sure there is a lot of people but I've never had to wait inside a bus for hours BEFORE it leaves the terminal just so I can be assured of a seat for the whole ride home. And the longest ride I've had to endure was an 8-hour drive in the relative comfort of my car. It was pretty uncomfortable then as the highway was packed and I was crawling on 2nd gear all the way home but compared to a seatless train ride, it was luxury.

In the world's most populous Muslim nation, Lebaran is THE holiday of the year. Many Indonesians take a week or so off at this time of the year and for some, it will be the only holiday they enjoy annually. This is also a time when thewell-to-do madams of Jakarta suddenly find themselves without their domestic helpers who have mudik-ed and panic at the thought of unswept floors and unwashed dishes. :)) Actually, I know how they feel. My trusty compound superintendent left for his village last Sat and I've been praying hard ever since that nothing will go wrong with the house until he returns. Sure, he has a temp replacement here but there can only be Supardi in my heart when it comes to house matters. He's reliable and he's very trustworthy.

As a result of this rush out of town, Jakarta will be very quiet for the next week. I, for one, will be enjoying the quiet roads before the mad traffic returns for another year.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri to all Muslims - wishing you a safe and happy holiday!

Snapshots from Jakarta - the roads

See the picture on the bottom right? That road leads on to a very nice gated compound where loads of expats live. Dear Hubby was looking quite pale at the thought of having to navigate through that kind of traffic and that kind of road everyday.
Jakarta does have wide, nicely paved roads but they're mainly in the Central Business District and the main toll roads. Once you get out of CBD, this is what you can expect to drive on.

Traffic in Jakarta

Ah, the Jakartan traffic. The cars. The motorbikes. The bajaj (bah-jai). The ba-what??? This one! ==>



Before I begin, may I just say that this is not intended to be a criticism of Jakarta, but merely an observation. I use Kuala Lumpur as my yardstick simply because I've lived there for 7 years, have driven round most of it and that is what I know best.

First things first: KL roads are NOT perfect. Every time I'm in Singapore, I wonder why they can get it right and we can't. KL roads have their fair share of potholes. It has a mix of highways, large main roads and smaller roads. Most of these are well-paved, fairly well-maintained and well-lit. KL road signs, while large, well-lit and fairly visible, are usually placed where they are of no use to the motorist. By the time you get close enough to read them, you would have completely missed your turn-off. Some signs simply disappear along the way. You could be navigating along a road, following signs for Damansara and about 2km along your drive, the signs to Damansara simply disappear. The only constant signs in KL are those that lead to Seremban and Ipoh. As far as my Dear Hubby is concerned, all roads in KL lead to Ipoh. You could be in the middle of nowhere and a sign will pop up with an arrow on it and it will say "IPOH".
Driving in KL requires some amount of skill and courage. This is because our dear city planners frequently put exits where they shouldn't be and drivers are forced to enter the highway from one side and bravely cut across four lanes of killer traffic in order to make their exit. Miss your exit and you could end up making a huge circle round the city. So everyone takes their chances and makes the dash to the exit, which is usually placed far too close to the entrance and means you have very little distance in which to navigate across.
Traffic in KL is usually congested at peak hours and is quite all right at other times. The huge amount of motorcycles weaving in and out of lanes doesn't help any. A driver has to be vigilant at all times to watch for these deadly two-wheelers as well as other fellow drivers who haven't the slightest clue what they're doing in a car. It's common knowledge that most drivers in Malaysia bribe their way to a license, so we do have a lot of clueless idiots on the roads. Perhaps this is the government's way of population control. I was once asked by a British expat about the incidence of drink driving in KL. My response? "Drink driving? Nono... we kill enough of our own driving around sober!"

What about Jakarta then? Er... 10 times worse. Imagine a city where the population is 3 times that of Klang Valley, where traffic is forced to navigate through mainly narrow streets that are badly built, where roads are frequently flooded when it rains, where there is an absence of coherent road signs and street lamps and you get the idea.
Driving in Jakarta means No Rules. You honk if you want to warn someone that you are overtaking or cutting in and then you just pull out. Hesitation will be fatal. Just pull out and the other drivers will be forced to stop for you. Otherwise, you'll be stuck at the intersection forever and a day. Driving in Jakarta means you need an intimate knowledge of the smaller streets that criss-cross the city and wind in and out of local settlements if you do not wish to be stuck in the traffic jams that clog many Jakartan roads.

So we clueless expats are usually assigned a local driver. Our guy, S, is brilliant. I have no idea how he knows where he's going. He's safe, he's reliable and boy, can he drive. When S is not available to ferry me around, I use a cab. Now, it's not a good idea to use just ANY cab in Jakarta. You're bound to be fleeced especially if you're a bule like Dear Hubby (bule = local slang for Caucasians, kinda like our term angmoh). Most visitors to Jakarta are advised to use cabs from the Bluebird Group. They're safe, they always use the meter, their drivers are well-trained and efficient and they can pick you up from anywhere.
Do not simply flag down a cab on the street, it's always best to get the hotel or shopping centre to get you a cab. Make sure you have small change for the cab, you don't always get the right change back.

So belt up, hold tight and enjoy the ride!